Things aren't getting better

The longer this goes on the less ability I have to stay positive. Things keep going wrong. Everything from my health to EI.

My friends have been great through all the messes I've had to endure lately but the bottom line is that I'm still alone in this. I've spent the last two days at home - alone. I'm sure this fact alone doesn't help my state of mind but I have nothing else to do. Can't spend money because I don't have any coming in.

Before my run of bad luck I would have gone out walking with my camera but it's broken so I can't do that. My Dad did send me his old one but it's seriously limited and I don't pull it out much. I feel stripped of everything. All the things that I relied on before this summer have been ripped away - my job, my camera, my computer and maybe even my health (That one is still up in the air).

I honestly thought that getting a new job would be easy around here. It's not. Everyone keeps telling me to go back to teaching but they don't understand why I left in the first place. I feel like I've lived the last three years in limbo but always believing things would get better and be more solid - I was wrong. After three years of working hard to find my place here I've gotten nothing - just broken promise after broken promise. It seems that I'm still trying to find someone who wants me even after all these years.

I have so much to offer an employer. I have work experience, diverse skills, passion and creativity. Everywhere I go I'm told what is wrong with me - experience too diverse, experience not focused enough, skills not needed, not enough experience, not the right experience, no money to hire etc. etc.

The other day I was checking airfare for getting home at Christmas and it's $700!!! If it's that much already it's only going to get worse. Knowing I won't be able to afford to go home at Christmas was just another thing that has brought me down.

I was so scared when I found out my health was compromised. I was afraid of dying and yet now I'm depressed by living. I try and remind myself that there are so many people in the world right now that don't have any time left at all and would give anything for the life that I have. It's just my life is so empty right now that it's getting hard to believe that it will ever be full again.